


I'm a Good Girl

by eoKingdomDom



Category: Besstrashny Plamyah, Original Work
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Mental Breakdown, Original Character(s), Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, The notes are a fucking straight up pep talk what am I doing, ah well enjoy, heavy stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:15:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25888696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eoKingdomDom/pseuds/eoKingdomDom
Summary: Salamander wants to be a good girl, in the worst way.
Collections: Besstrashny Plamyah





	I'm a Good Girl

_“I’m a good girl. I’m a good girl.”_

The words are scraped into the paper, pen near ripping it.

_“I do my best. I do my best. I want her to love me. I want her to love me.”_

Teardrops run down her nose, dripping onto the page. Her hand shakes, she can’t see what she’s writing, but the voice in her head begs as loud as ever.

_“I’m a good girl. I’m a good girl. Please tell me that I’m good.”_

Her throat trembles and she chokes on the salt that runs down it.

_“Please tell me that you love me”_

***

Breakdown aside, that writing is awful. Salamander has never seen such graceless handwriting and cringe-worthy repetition. Her fingers twitch in their grasp of the desk as she reads it again, and it barely takes her a second before she’s snatched the poetry, crumpled it, and threw it against the nearest wall. She’s no good girl. She’s not worthy of such a statement. Fuck, she’s barely even a girl. Not with her rigid dress-up and the way her family spits on it. She’s nothing proper, let alone even pretty enough to be a lady. She’s a disgrace. With her eyes shut to conceal the depth from her brain, she buries her nails into the plush flesh of her forearm, ripping into every layer she can muster. She drags the sting from the tendons of her wrist up to where it bends, teeth gritting in her seething rage. She hopes it bleeds. She hopes it ruins her. Upon opening her eyes, she’s met with five distinct lines flushed red, blood leaks from a slice near her wrist, puddling before running down the sides. She takes a deep breath, propping the arm on the desk to let the blood drip on it. Now, now she’s a good girl. Isn’t she? She punished herself for every mistake she’s made, for every slip-up of communication she's allowed, for every feeling of happiness she ever felt. She doesn’t deserve that.

And she never will.

Her eyes blink slowly, for no part of her wants to move. She doesn’t need to, she can’t feel anything. The only part of her body that tethers her to reality is the burning pain in her forearm, and she is okay with that. She can entitle herself to that. If anything, she could just bring it all to an end. Right here, right now. All she ever does is chase after the beautiful creations of the world and stabs herself in the soul for ever loving them. She basks in the company of others without the warrant, and chews herself inside-out behind closed doors. She will never be deserving of love. It was never for her. She may as well begin tying that noose around her throat, for maybe its choking tightness will bring her peace.

Maybe it will feel like an embrace.

The lack of breath and slowing sway of time could emulate the warmth of being held in another’s arms, and maybe it would last forever. The ache in her lungs and the sting of her wrist could be the strange way cupid shot her. The crunching sound as her spine snaps and her limbs fall into paralysis could be the sudden, delicious rush of tender feelings as she sees the person she adores drift into her hallucinating mind. Twitterpated, she would go weak at the knees. If she were to end it all, she could pretend she has the thing that she knows the world will never allow her to hold.

And that, within any stretch of the mind, would be _wonderful._

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this was short. Mainly wrote it to express one of my most enthusiastic character's borderline mental state. Bloodly hopeless romantic wouldn't be in it.
> 
> (And yes, I'm perfectly fine. The content of this doesn't reflect my mental state. If anything, this would've been derived from feelings I had in the past. And even then, it's heavily mixed with things from other people and characters.)
> 
> Also, if you came here to fully relate to this writing, then have I got news for you! TED TALK INCOMING! Things are gonna fucking get better! You're gonna get stronger! Believe me, life is a gift as much as it's a curse, and sometimes it takes you to hit rock bottom to really look up and see the world for the powerful, overarching majesty it is. There's plenty of opportunities to feel useful and loved, it just takes you to do something out of your ordinary. If you spend a lot of time in bed, crawl out and open the curtains, and drink some bloody water! If you spend a lot of time worrying about your adequacy, just know that things always tend to turn out better than the worst-case scenario. It's called the worst-case for a reason. Face the thing that's been eating you. Whether it be wasting-away depression or unbearable anxiety or something else, you need to recognise it. You need to take it onboard and you need to do something that's difficult, and fucking REWARD yourself for doing it, no matter how small it was. Life is not about the big picture and getting "everything sorted out eventually". It's about the little things, the little successes and joys that all amalgamate into a net state of happy. The more of these little breakthroughs you have, the happier you're going to be. And no, there is no such thing as being perfectly happy, so you will never reach perfection. It's about feeling BETTER than you did the day before, perhaps even the week, month or year before. You'll see the difference, I promise. 
> 
> If you're considering as far as suicide, just remember what you are. You're a living, breathing organism. You don't want to die, I can promise you that. I can guarantee that no matter how dire things feel, you WILL regret your attempt in the midst of the dying process. People who jump off buildings almost immediately regret it while they fall, but by then it's too late. That's why I'm telling you now before you consider it. Because, by the time you've decided you don't want to die, you might already be too far gone. Furthermore, life is full of ups and downs, nothing is ever going to stay the same. Your circumstances will change, you will meet different people, you will do different things. Things you might like, people you might love, circumstances that could perhaps feel better. But if you go now, you'll never get the chance to see that. You need to remember what you are. You're a person with hopes and dreams and talent. You have your heart set on something. Perhaps a little dream, an ongoing project, and you need to listen to it now more than ever. Because, you see, it's the LITTLE things that can make you happy. It's the little things that make life worth living. 
> 
> And in case you're wondering, Salamander DOES get better.


End file.
